Personal Style Isn’t Just About You
Even to this day, as a grown, 30-year-old woman, a small part of me is afraid of ever being accused of copying someone else. Because whether it’s intentional or not, the result in my irrational brain is the same: I’ll be accused of not having my own style.
On a larger scale, it doesn’t help that we keep hearing a similar plight from comment sections and talking heads: “Everyone looks the same.” “Everyone dresses the same.” “Individuality is DEAD!”
But, is it?
In fact, I would argue the opposite at times. Individuality is thriving. And sometimes, we get lost in it.
Hyperindividuality has had its fair share of criticisms these days. There’s been a valid pushback of the “I don’t owe anyone anything” philosophy. That’s because it’s become clear how the prioritization of the self can lead to a deprioritzation of community and connection.
And while many of us realize it, we struggle to find our way out of it.
The fear of being an “outfit copycat” feeds into this. And I wish it didn’t, because well, for one, it’s not that serious. But two, a matching outfit can be a perfect way to create a connection you didn’t before.
After all, one of the few wholesome pastimes we have left is seeing someone in the woman’s bathroom in an outfit we like and using it as a chance to start a conversation. I think it tickles us in the same way that planning to “both wear a skirt tomorrow” before school with your best friend in middle school did.
One of my favorite parts of the show, “All Her Fault” is how it portrayed the friendship between two moms who were having trouble finding commonality with other parents at school. I thought it was such a perfect and natural choice to have their relationship begin in a public bathroom after they realize they’re wearing the same dress.
Fashion is something that flows between categories of society. Is it art? is it commerce? Is it entertainment? The answer is yes. But also: to me, fashion is communication.
It’s a visual signal in the same way signs on the road or advertisements on billboards are.
And of course, everyone wants their billboard to be one-of-a-kind. But this becomes a little sticky when there’s a constant avalanche of changing trends and fast-paced algorithms.
It’s no surprise, that in the recent years we’ve seen the boom of personal style. As brands have doubled down on selling us things, the response was to double down on personal expression.
Now, the act of creating your own style has become more desireable that inhabiting a specific trend. It focuses on evolving your taste and having a signature. It puts the focus back on you, the individual, rather than you, the consumer.
So, we’re on the right track, right? Everyone’s tagline is “finding your personal style” instead of “finding your dream closet.” The thesis is there. But are all the steps clear? Because isn’t the very nature of personal style that it can wander and evolve forever?
And that in turn, it will be influenced by trends?
And here’s the irony: Everyone wants community, but they don’t want to dress the same. Also: everyone wants to follow trends, but they don’t want to dress the same.
It’s no wonder we keep missing each other.
Overall, I understand the hissing response to trends. The very idea of jumping on something and purchasing a capsule wardrobe around what’s popular or viral (clean girl, quiet luxury, etc.) definitely leaves a sour taste.
But I’ll use the “CBK” trend as an example of something that I have a lot of mixed feelings about. I think it’s a good case study of what has happened over and over again through our digital consumption of fashion trends.
The girls flocking to purchase Caroline Bessette Kennedy’s signature items like her “hard headband” have been the subject of scrutiny and cringe-worthy reactions online. “I beg you all to get your own personality,” the comments scream.
Many feel that the swarms outside of of C.O. Bigelow are a sign that individuality is dead. To me, it’s signaling the death, or rather, the scarcity of something else.
A mutual of mine on TikTok, Ashley, said it perfectly in a video:
“I have decided that the annual to bi-annual rattling of Caroline Bessette Kennedy’s casket is as symptom of a female loneliness epidemic…[…]… You need to talk to a friend. You’re missing community. You want to be a part of something.”
I couldn’t agree more with this. And despite many agreeing in the comments, others couldn’t quite see it, which I think proves her point even more.
My take is that a trend like this can be multiple things at once. It can be a mechanical release of visuals, textures and “vibes” backed by a consumerist machine. It can be a reflection of the culture-at-large and popular entertainment. But it can also be a cry for connection.
Because beyond the hard headbands, Egyptian musk perfumes and boat and totes, is often a genuine desire to be recognized, to be seen. We’re chasing the rush of turning from the bathroom mirror and telling the girl next to you, “I have that top, too! Wanna get a coffee?”
And yet, when we see crowds of people wearing the same thing for reason A or reason B, we tend to feel bitter about it. We think about the money wasted. The future landfills. And we also think about the individuality that is “dying” in the process.
But the real tragedy isn’t a handful of girls wearing the same headband. That’s not the hill to die on. Instead, it’s the fact that we’re jumping onto these trends because of other people, while ultimately participating in them alone.
We go in, we get the item, maybe we make a post about it and we leave. And that scratches an itch, for a fleeting moment that maybe we can’t quite admit; of being included.
In a response to her advice column last year for The Cut, Gen Z’s appointed big sister, Jemima Kirke gave her thoughts on a submitted question: “How do I start dressing cooler…[…]…without feeling like I’m cosplaying my more stylish friends?”
Her response:
“You are cosplaying your more stylish friends. We all are. My entire wardrobe consists of fleeting moments of hope that I could look as stylish and as beautiful as some other woman I once saw.”
I love this sentiment because it’s incredibly honest and true. And it goes against that fear or “copying” our friends or people around us. Instead, it points out that these overlaps are impossible to avoid and may just need to be embraced.
To me, the question of “how do I start dressing cooler” doesn’t have a clean answer and that’s why Jemima’s answer is so perfect. It embraces the fact that you do take inspiration from other people around you and that’s actually normal and GOOD.
We’re in this interesting time where a lot of people who are figuring out their style and evolving with it very much want to look different and want to look like “themselves”.
But what does “looking like yourself” even mean? Is it wearing something that perfectly reflects your Pinterest board? Or is it wearing outfits that have stories, memories and personal references woven throughout?
Because I’m starting to realize more and more that the most personal thing about personal style is not just you, but the people in your life.
And at the end of the day, what kills community more? Fleeting trends that make us all wear the same thing without thinking for three months before we discard it? Or worrying so much about dodging trends or copycat allegations that we forget how to have conversations through our clothes that actually garner a response?
I’m not sure about the exact answer, but I think both can be damaging in their own ways.
To me, it has to all go back to people. Get inspired by your friends. Borrow their clothes, ask their opinion on an outfit. Compliment someone’s outfit on the street or the girl in your workout class who’s wearing the same set as you.
As for trends? Well, trends will trickle down no matter what. If you feel the desire to hop onto one, maybe ask yourself why. If you’re finding yourself avoiding them to feel different, remember that you’re still being affected by them.
And no, opting into a fleeting micro-aesthetic won’t kill your individual style. But avoiding connectiong through clothes may kill something even more important.
Thank you for reading The Changing Room! Whether you’ve read a sentence or multiple posts, it means the world to me. I’m currently sending out a letter every Sunday — so be sure to subscribe if you haven’t, or tell your friends! Feel free to follow me on Instagram + TikTok for more content about style, fashion + more. You can also shop my closet here. Want to say hi or interesting in collabing? Reach out at arbela.hello@gmail.com.