No, despite the headline, I’m not writing about venereal disease, although speculation in the rumor mill does indicate it might be a relevant factor. I’m talking about a disease of the social structure in much of the world, especially in the United States. Although a whisper hidden in the background for nearly 250 years, today it’s so glaringly apparent that it can no longer be ignored.
There are so many problems and disasters each day that it’s hard to choose the subject du jour as I write. I’ve been tempted to get a cork board and post subject areas (e.g. ongoing ICE atrocities, war in Iran, the ugliness and pervasiveness of the Epstein era, the U.S. looking like the idiot in the room during the G7 conference) then throwing a dart blindly at the board just to make the decision about where to focus.
Consequently, sometimes I look at broader social issues like I’m analyzing a weather map looking for causation factors to understand the present, predict future behaviors, and create proactive solutions. It’s called social forecasting, and I’ve used the practice as a consultant in the nonprofit sector for over 20 years. Don’t worry, I’ll go into some of trends that helped me draw conclusions, but, for now, I simply want to summarize a socially accepted practice which enabled the creation and nurtured the growth of social Hurricane Donald.
We have woven into the fabric of life the practice of appeasing unreasonable people, especially if they have money and/or power.
Why?
Because we have a fear of confrontation, as though a disagreement would shatter something unspoken?
Perhaps Donald Trump was formed into who he is because he rarely, if ever was confronted. Is appeasement a social norm because it’s written into our DNA that everyone should get along, keep life comfortable? Maybe it’s because we want the feeling of safety that comes with the illusion of universal benevolence?
I’ve taught classes to nonprofit representatives on a subject entitled “The Revolving Door.” The title is an euphemism referring to a rarely discussed stumbling block in organizations that just don’t know how to handle toxic people or situations. A sure indication that the problem is systemic for an organization involves the ability to recruit good people who stay a short time and then leave so that there is a constant revolving door of staff and volunteers.
If leadership takes the time to watch behavior patterns and provide opportunity for one-on-one conversation with employees, they’ll find there is almost always either a small group or an individual who plants the seeds for a toxic workplace. I’ll wager there’s not one of you reading this who hasn’t, in real time, experienced what I’m talking about. It’s the person who starts gossip, or sabotages fellow workers to further their own ambitions. It’s the boss who enjoys wielding their range of power by insisting on blind obedience or taking credit for the work of others. It’s the bully who derails a discussion they’re losing by switching into personal insults.
You know. Like calling someone “Piggy” if they ask a question the individual doesn’t want to or can’t answer. Hmmm … where have I heard that lately?
From what I observe, many people simply give in when a toxic person becomes either verbally or physically intimidating. I’ve asked people in exactly that situation why they give in. The almost universal answer. They’re afraid.
If you remember nothing else from this opinion piece, please remember this. If a person makes reasonable and caring people afraid, they are the ones who must be held accountable.
We are watching in real time what happens to a particularly virulent version of toxicity when it gets so bad that large numbers of people oppose the toxic person or situation. I do believe, as a nation, we will regain and repair our badly damaged ship of state. I just don’t know how long or how much damage will be done.
I think a very positive social trend involves the filming and posting videos illustrating the “Karen” phenomenon. Although I do fear some people define a “Karen” as any woman who doesn’t do or say what they want. Being assertive is not the same thing as being abusive.
Also, don’t feel like you’ve failed if you “lose” the argument with a narcissist. Actually, if you allow them to control the conversation, you will lose. Hard to “win” when one party feels free to make up whatever “fact” they want. Rather like playing checkers with a four-year-old. If they can’t win by the rules, they’ll simply knock over the board.
State the facts and walk away. Truth is strongest when you turn on the light, even if some people prefer the dark.
